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and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her [27 Nov 2005|01:48am] when all else fails (and trust me, it has), write music. do nothing else... just get music out of yourself. use the bad times wisely. someone recently reminded me of the possibilities this could hold. i guess that's what i'll do. i need fucking something in my life right now. !@#%$

[25 Nov 2005|02:47pm] life is too much again. 1 !@#%$

broken [22 Nov 2005|01:30am] In the car going on about the string theory and spacetime... "You hide the fact that you're a nerd really well, Laura." I'm too depressed to listen to music and deal with all the emotion it brings out (I'm through my Zeppelin phase, it reminds me of Alex), so I've been reading alot lately. I have a few RAD books lined up to read about the origins of the universe and shit like that. Subjects complex enough to warrant my full attention. It helps at night when my head runs circles around everything that's wrong. Nights are the second worst time of the day. The worst are the mornings when I wake up and come back to reality. Other distractions; National Geographic, cigarettes, sleeping pills, drugs drugs drugs (no, national geographic isn't out of place. it's like crack to me.) The bandaids are back on my right arm. Not that I think I'm fooling anyone who knows me well enough. I guess that's one more distraction. I know, how sophomoric. !@#%$

[21 Nov 2005|08:04pm] I think about jumping off of ledges and jumping out of cars and taking too many pills and cutting over the old scars. It's Thanksgiving time again, and traditions have a way of keeping themselves. Maybe there's just something in the stars this time of year.... my whole body hurts, my heart hurts, and I want to envision the day that it all stops. This is one way of doing that. There isn't anyone in the world I can give myself to, and I really do think that I have alot to give. I don't want anything in return, just for someone to be there... to say goodnight and good morning, to listen, to tell. I want something simple and reliable, even if it's just a friend that'll pick up the phone when I call at ridiculous hours. I guess I've never been friendship material, though. It takes me so long for me to open up to people, that by the time I'm ready to start, they're already sick of staring the blank wall between us. I am far from ok. But don't worry about me. 1 !@#%$

USING TECHNOLOGY [18 Nov 2005|05:53pm] [ music | Iggy & the Stooges - Search and Destroy ] Alex just doesn't understand. On a totally unrelated note; I fucking love drugs. 5 !@#%$

"trust no bitch" [17 Nov 2005|08:27am] Screw it, I'll just be awake for the day. I think I'm going to try something different... acting happy. Bouncy, interactive, talkative & energetic (w/ sobriety). Maybe it'll rub off on my miserable and pathetic mindset. Will this new fake persona be even more awkward than my usual avoidant one? Probably for me, but not for the masses. Watching plastic surgery on tv. I wish. Oh my gosh, I have to see THE CHUMSCRUBBER. Cheers to overly-glamourized suburban drug use! !@#%$

no provision but an open face [17 Nov 2005|05:52am] Actually, things AREN'T ok. I'm not ok. This feeling is creeping back up on me after a good few months of being neither manic or depressed. Those were an easy couple of months, but I'm thinking the only reason I was alright during that period was because I was so fucking blank... there was nothing in my life that warranted any real/strong emotion. Last night I took an entire box of Benadryl (24) because it was the only thing in my house that might have helped me to sleep and shut my head off for awhile. Me and my ridiculous tolerance to diphenhydramine... it still wasn't enough to make me sleep. I got a few visuals, but having a drugstore trip wasn't my intention... I just wanted to be unaware for awhile. I started taking antidepressants again today. Needless to say, the past 24 hours have been the worst in a long time....and there's no mistaking it for a couple of bad days. It's something that's much more internal than that. I have nobody to blame... it's just shifting synaptic reactions and my own head running in circles. I really want some coke. !@#%$

more neurotic than an indie boy [14 Nov 2005|10:47am] [ music | clap your hands and say yeah ] When the fuck is Julian coming to the west coast? What am I going to take half-assed pictures of today an hour before class? Where are the pills?? What if it was my birthday today? Would I eat all the cake or none at all? Why did T-Mobile make two withdrawals from my bank account when I have Verizon? Do I remember everything? (no.) 1 !@#%$

stupid head [12 Nov 2005|02:50am] It's pretty funny that I thought I could get away with sleeping. I tried to be clever (relatively) by laying down and listening to some cheesy ass progressive muscle relaxation cd, but I just have to sit here and accept the fact that the only thing I'll be able to focus on for the next few hours is how shitty and retarded I feel. I'm coming to a point where drugs have become less of something I need and more of something I do because I can. I'm so used to assuming that it'll improve reality... and sometimes, when things are going alright in life, it's easy to forget that reality might be better untouched. 2 !@#%$

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